Never mind!
Apple Care didn't come through. Anything beyond software damage I have to pay $199 extra to fix. Because apparently warranties don't work the same way in Steve Jobs World; if it's cosmetic damage (i.e. if you drop it), you have to pay more than the warranty you already bought to help defend against said problems.
Screw you Apple. In the trash the iPad goes. Hello Amazon Kindle Fire. I'm staying with you because you won't price gouge.
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